Belly rings and twerking?

AJ and I are on this week long choir trip, as a lot of you probably already know from AJ's post about it. During this trip, I learned quite a few things:

1. When I get hyper and have to sit on the bus for many consecutive hours, I get loud and annoying and think everything is hilarious. Luckily, AJ was there to entertain me the whole way and witness some of my best jokes. She regrets immensely the fact that there is only another 12 hours left on the bus to spend with me I'm sure.

2. People with British accents (such as our choir instructor for the weekend) are much more tolerable and easy to listen to than people without. 

3. I can twerk! Yes. I know. Me. Jetta. Nerdy, awkward, clumsy and respectful (okay maybe not that last one) Jetta. Yeah. I can twerk. What makes this even funnier is that AJ can't, which if you know AJ and I at all from reading this blog, should make you think that those names should be reversed. But no. And after I figured it out I was actually so proud. I felt rebellious, which is new for me but I loved it. I guess doing a weird and potentially dirty dance move in a locked room with no one but a close friend isn't all that rebellious, but for me it was, okay?

4. I think I may have a rebellious streak because guess what else I did? Pierced my bellybutton. Yeah. That's right. Pierced my fricking bellybutton. On pretty much a whim, me and AJ went in to a great shop and got pretty barbells with blue gems. Experience post on it coming up:D

In conclusion, I've enjoyed this trip a whole lot more than I thought I would, considering I was dreading it and got a snoring roommate and it was snowing in May where we went. And though I am most certainly not a badass, maybe I have a little bit of badassery in me? Me and my new bellybutton piercing would like to concur.

SORRY

So hey blog world. There's some things that I need to get off my chest. First off, I tend to feel guilty about things really easily and for a long time. So maybe some of these things are dumb but some of them definitely deserve to be said. So here goes. 

First, and most importantly, I am very sorry to AJ for ditching her table. I shouldn't have changed for Farmer--he should have sucked it up. I was trying to avoid making anyone unhappy and instead I ended up being a crappy friend. 

Secondly, I am sorry to Chatterbox for giving her a dirty look in the halls before fifth period today. I was in a bad mood and tried to give a funny friendly look but it just probably looked like I wanted her to  take the next flight to Alaska. 

Thirdly, I am sorry to Farmer. I am sorry that everyone made it seem like we had a thing which was probably embarrassing for you since I don't like you and you definitely doesn't like me. I am sorry for believing you wrote a nasty note and I'm sorry that I was such a horrible Sadie Hawkins date. And also, today fifth period when I tried to make small talk with you to show that it wasn't weird and awkward between us (which it is) and ended up accidentally insulting your mark on our test and making it seem like I was bragging about mine. I wasn't I promise. 

Lastly, I am sorry to unicycle boy, for having the weirdest fricking dream about you ever and making for an awkward bus ride (stay tuned for a post about that).

If I've ever accidentally or even on purpose insulted someone, I apologize for that as well.

Okay. *deep sigh*

That feels better.

Stay classy, internet.

Jetta

P.S. I got a new iPod touch today which is exciting hopefully that will help me to blog more...and waste more time playing 2048 *shhhhhh*

Dear AJ (& Briar, when she gets a chance to read it)

Dear AJ,
First of all, thanks for taking the time to write to me, I was very touched. No thank you to saying I told you so so many times, really? I mean REALLY? Second of all, I'm glad you had such a great spring break without me. I had a wonderful time doing school and practicing all week. #dreamspringbreak #betyouwishyouwereme 

Second of all, I regret to inform you that I have not found any really cute Inuks though I have had my eyes peeled. I bet they're good kissers because most of them have about 11-16 teeth which frees up your tongue to ya know … do what it does. Wow that sounded sketchy. And kind of mean, the thing about the teeth I mean, though it is mostly true. 

I'm having a rather challenging experience right now, to be honest. This culture is so opposite to what I am used to and my personality. I'm in the great north, by the way for any readers reading this. (LOL READERS THAT'S FUNNY CAUSE THERE IS NONE) Privacy is NOT stressed--people's doors are unlocked and at least 10 people come in and out of the house where I'm staying every day. Jetta is bad at socializing. Jetta does not like meeting new people. Jetta does not like making small talk. And Jetta goes absolutely stark raving mad if she doesn't get alone time every day. This is proving to be difficult here. Currently I have holed myself up in my upstairs room in my bed and am doing my best to stay here all evening, despite my mother's protests and the stupidly cute children who keep coming in here to try and get me out. 

Added to all of this is the fact that I'm supposed to be helping my mom out with workshops for the youth from 9-4. My job as 'helper' is to socialize, interact, ask questions of, and generally be friendly to the kids. MY PERSONAL HELL WOULD PROBABLY LOOK SIMILAR TO THIS JOB. As previously stated, I am bad at socializing, interacting, asking questions of and being friendly to people. You may find this difficult to believe seeing as you are my friends and this seems to come easier to me when I'm with you, but believe me, I am awful. 

But the thing is, these kids are all so … strong, I guess is the word I'm looking for. They've had something like 5 suicides in their town this year already, probably some of them people they've known well. And the town where I am is just that--a small town where everyone knows everyone. I can't imagine. Many of the girls dress like boys and have haircuts like boys to the point where I actually thought they were boys until I figured out otherwise. Awkward moment. Yes. Yes it was. Although I don't know the reason for sure, I know that sexual abuse is really rampant here. My mom said over half of the girls my age have had some sort of abuse in their history. So these girls might be dressing as manly and unattractive as possible to avoid being abused, which is just about the saddest thing ever. 

And yet they manage to laugh often, help out without being asked, and pay attention all day, which I'll be honest is sometimes more than I've done. One of the girls said that every night her dad reminds her how she's not his actual daughter. Every night. I can't even imagine. And I wish so much I could just know what to say to these girls and be friendly and socialize but I honestly just sit there frozen with nothing in brain and nothing coming out of my mouth. It makes me so angry and so helpless that I couldn't just be talented at this. 

My mom came into my room after the day today to give me a lecture when I informed her I would not be accompanying her to an old friend of her's house for dinner or practicing violin. I was mad because she kept shooting me dirty looks like 'you could be doing more here' and 'just say something' all day and pretty much said that my attitude sucked and everyone was wondering what was wrong with me at the workshop. 

Which just made things worse because it wasn't an attitude, it's who I am. And if something's wrong with me, something's just wrong with me then. Sorry, mom, that I'm not able to talk about nothing and socialize the way you can. Sorry I can't be with people 24/7 and be chatty and friendly. Sorry I don't talk very much during the day and sorry that I don't want to go to another stranger's house and sit there and listen to you talk for 2 hours. But I need time to be by myself.

Now this just sounds like one big self-centred rant. Which I guess it kind of is, sorry AJ & Briar. There are lots of things I am enjoying about being here. I just can't think of them right now because I'm too mad at my mom and myself.

Anyways, if you made it through good for you! Miss you and see you soon, have a great week at school and give Porcupine a big hug from me! HAHA JK give it to Farmer JK AGAIN I'M IN A WEIRD MOOD DON'T TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY OKAY DON'T HUG ANY BOYS UNLESS YOU WANT TO THEN IT'S OKAY I GUESS K BYE NOW

Jetta

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU A COOKIE AND THEN IT TAKES IT AWAY AGAIN

So. It's been a while.
My life's been pretty great. I mean, let me just count the ways why my life is awesome today:
1. I'm sick, which is just great because let's face it I love kleenex so much I look for any excuse to use up entire boxes of it at a time, which works now because my nose has recently taken up the occupation of being a living mucous faucet, so kleenex is basically my BFF. 
2. I'm sick on spring break, which means I don't have to miss any school, which is awesome because I freaking love school so much, I'd get separation anxiety from having to stay away for something as little as the flu. 
3. Let's get real here: You know what's really great? Confusion. It's practically my favourite feeling. Next to unproductiveness, laziness, and that eye ache feeling you get after looking at a computer screen too long. All of which I am currently experiencing. And you know what's even better than just plain confusion? Confusion about guys. ESPECIALLY when you thought you had things sorted out and then everything just got screwed up again. It keeps things interesting, that's what I always say. If you know what's going on, well it's not very much fun then. 
4. I got to borrow my brother's clothes. I mean, how cool is that? Because I don't have a pair of comfy sweats to call my own, my brother generously donated his old, ratty navy swim team sweats which I then wore on a trip to the city because sweats are styling'. Especially too-short brother's sweats.
5. One of the underrated pleasures in life: slowly feeling the mucous drain from one nostril to the other. JK, I actually prefer mouth-breathing until your lips turn into real-life replicas of the sahara desert.
6. Best way to feel productive when you have a lot of homework and practicing to do: spend five hours playing online poker and cupcake games. Seriously, if you haven't tried this, nothing will make you feel more rejuvenated and better about yourself.
7. Staying in bed for five hours without moving takes a lot of talent which I am proud to say I possess. 

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha jk that was all true. *laughs hysterically* *stops laughing* *cries*

Okay so if you couldn't tell, which apparently a lot of people can't, that was all sarcasm. Except for that last bit about it all being true. (A  lot of people at school think I lie through my teeth about everything, which while it may be partially true, is also due to the fact that no-one understands sarcasm)

I guess there are some good things about this week. Like, I got my driver's so I'M THE FIRST ONE BOOYAH BRIAR AND AJ EVEN THOUGH I'M THE YOUNGEST I STILL DO GROWN UP THINGS AND LET THIS BE A LESSON FOR LEAVING ON SPRING BREAK AND ABANDONING ME TO ROT HERE. 

Briar and AJ are off galavanting together on this trip thing, so they're probably having a super fantastic time doing fun things together. I should add that to my list of sarcastically awesome things about this week. 

So sorry for all this random ranting, I'm kind of tired and bored and not sure what to do with myself. Stupid Farmer keeps messaging me and then not replying when I message him back well I don't even care go get eaten by a llama.. 

Stay classy, internet. 

Jetta

P.S. I may also have asked Farmer to sadie's so I just felt it was fair to tell you though if AJ says I told you so I'll be mad so don't you do it AJ 

How I Turned Into A Living Cheeto Puff

Hey y'all. So it's been a while. I've not been busy, just lazy, so now that we've gotten that out of the way, you're probably wondering: how can I turn myself into a living cheeto puff?

Well, my friends, you are in for a thrilling surprise. Because I turned myself into a cheeto puff by accident, so I'm sure it's pretty easy to do it on purpose as well. Here's what you got to do:

1) Dye your hair purple with hair dye purchased from Dollarama. Let it look good for 2 weeks, and then watch it fate to a spilled koolaid soaked up on a napkin colour. 
2) Decide you dislike this colour. Go in to get it dyed. 
3) Last minute, decide to go blonde.
4) Bleach your hair. At this point it will turn into a fluorescent, cheeto puff, I just got out of rehab orange. 
5) Let your stylist tell you she'll tone it into a dark blonde with 'butterscotch' hilights.
6) Butterscotch does not equal orange. Someone should have the guts to say this out loud, but no-one does.
7) Leave stylists feeling like someone just ate a family size bag of cheetos and wiped them through your hair.
8) Experience immediate feelings of immense regret

Orange hair, in general, is not a colour that most people want on their heads. It is not very natural, especially if, like me, you have naturally ashy hair with cool undertones. So grey-blonde eyebrows with fiery hair just screams bad dye job. I can't wait to bleach the heck out of my hair some more till it turns actually blonde. I have never had such a bad colour before, and I've had half a head of green hair.

People tell me it doesn't look bad. Well, hypothetically, I suppose it could look worse. Like if you tied some roadkill to your head. Or had a monk ring. 

So you know how they have before and after pictures for these sorts of things? Well, here's mine. Just humour me and pretend the titles are switched.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Apologies for the odd angles and backgrounds, but you know when you're trying not to show your face it's rather hard to take good pictures. Let me assure you that the orange is much more vibrant in person and looks even worse when you can see my face.

This post is really negative, so I'd like to now talk about the silver lining to this.

I googled 'cheeto puff hair' and I came up with some hilarious pictures which I will now share with you. BAM. Just when you think that having orange hair is bad, you realize that it's actually good because you just googled the most random thing and now have these pictures…

i just can't even. i mean. what. like. the cheetos are 99 cents???????

what true boredom looks like

CHEEEEEETOSSSSSSS

SWAG SWAG SWAG

"Dude. Dude. You know what we should do?" "What, man?" "ROAST SOME CHEETOS!" "YEAH DUDE THAT'S AWESOME!" (side note I have no idea what that circle is indicating if you know let me know)

proof that cheetos cannot be sexy (or orange hair either)

cheetos can, however, be terrifying

So I hope you enjoyed my little foray into the weird part of google images and if you've ever had a bad job, then you feel me.

Stay classy, internet.

Jetta

Done Farming ~Jetta

The title of this post was a clever way to say that I'm done with farmer. If you got that, I love you and let's be best friends, okay? Okay. 

Last night AJ and Briar stayed over in residence at school and AJ and Farmer were messaging. I really don't want to go through all of the details but the gist of it is he doesn't want to date anyone, apparently. And he even told me the same when I 'accidentally' found AJ's iPod and read the messages.

I'm still deciding exactly what I think of this. On the one hand, I think it's good because logically and rationally I do not want to date anyone right now, and much less Farmer because he's a bit of a dink fartface idiot tool interesting person sometimes in relationships.

And I can understand why he doesn't want to date anyone considering he said he's spoken 3 words to his ex since they broke up and actually none of his dating relationships have worked out. 

On the other hand, I guess I'm a little disappointed because I did like him and so even if I shouldn't or wouldn't have dated him, I'm not going to try and deny that I wanted to. Actually what I really want to do is (okay this is going to sound weird and maybe creepy and definitely awkward but here goes) kiss him. Which is, you know, odd because I've never even kissed anyone. Oh yeah, another fun fact for you. Sweet 16 and never been kissed. 

But somehow being a make out buddy sounds actually more appealing than dating someone. Maybe that's messed up. Maybe that's very messed up considering I've never even made out with someone so maybe I should know what's it's like before I decide.

But to be honest, I get sick of people quite easily, especially people that I like and especially when they show interest in me. So the whole commitment aspect of boyfriend/girlfriend scares me. 

And though I'm sick with the flu and at home not at school, I'm actually in quite a good mood for once because I think I'm pretty much over Farmer. I hardly even care now if he likes me or not, and though I might have been disappointed about what he said I wasn't even sad. Plus today I noticed how he does this weird clapping thing with one hand and sang really weirdly in class and it was kind of one of those epiphanies where you realize people aren't always likeable and/or attractive. 

I'm sure all my friends will be very happy to hear this news and it's kind of a relief to write it to be honest. 

So there we are. Judge me if you will for any of this, I don't really blame you. I feel so free. It's wonderful.

Jetta

How I Met Your Fellow Bloggers (And What I Think of Them) ~Jetta~

I'm sitting in our school library, right now, bored because I have no homework and AJ and Briar are in Chemistry. Let's be honest, who even needs that? I mean the periodic table: No girl wants to here any more about periods. I could rant, but I won't and leave it at THEY SHOULD DROP CHEMISTRY.

Anyways, I thought it might be fun to share how I met AJ and Briar, my first impressions and try to describe them a little more for all of you devoted readers (that was a joke, if you didn't catch it)

I got to know Briar first. In fact she was the first person I really talked to and got to know a little bit in our grade next year. I remember being jealous of her hair, and actually just how pretty she was in general. And also how everyone liked her, because you can't not like Briar. She's the sweetest person ever.

I remember at the very end of last year walking to the store and getting ice cream with her and then playing on the playground. I was a little down at the time and it was because I liked Farmer then, but he liked this blonde girl from the grade below us. She was the first person I ever told that I liked Farmer, and then she told me who she liked as well. It was the first time all year I felt like I actually might be friends with someone in school, not just someone I can sit with at lunch but someone to actually get to know. It made me hopeful for next year.

As for now, well, how to describe Briar? She's got long, soft brown hair that's straight and literally 3 feet long. She has gorgeous eyes and the cutest smile and laugh that makes you laugh too. At first when you meet her you think she's shy and quiet, but when you get to know her you get to know her rebellious and crazy side and that's quite a party too.

I didn't really talk to AJ at all last year, partly because she was with the 'cool group' of people and partly because I didn't really talk to anyone. I still remember my first impression of her in french class, which was that she was shy, quiet, really smart because she kept taking notes on everything, and sweet. Plus her handwriting was so perfect it bothered me.

I'm not quite sure exactly how I started getting to know AJ this year. I can't pinpoint a moment when it happened, it just did. Now that I know her, I know she isn't shy or quiet but rather outgoing, hilarious and never boring. There's always something going on in her life, and usually one or two guys as well (but no she's not a player, it's not her fault she's gorgeous and confident and attracts guys like moulding food attracts flies. Okay that's not a good analogy, I'm sorry AJ, but you get the picture). There's never a dull moment when you're with her and although you might not guess it she is a genuinely lovely person as well. She's never said a mean thing to me and she makes you feel better about yourself when she's with you.

If you were to meet all three of us for the first time, what would you think?

You'd probably think that Briar was she shy, smart, and nice one. AJ would be the popular, pretty and outgoing one and I'm not quite sure what I'd be. The awkward one that you don't know what to do with, maybe.

And though you might be partially right, you'd also be wrong just by omission. Never judge a person by your first impression, and never think you know everything about someone, because you might just be wrong.

Mind Monsters ~Jetta~

I don't know about you, but I've always had a rather overactive imagination. Not that I'm complaining, really, I mean I'd probably take that over a non-functioning one and there are perks to it, obviously. But there are also downsides. Large downsides. Large, scary downsides that hide in dark corners and make weird sounds at you when you're home alone. 

Okay that was melodramatic. My imagination again, sorry. 

In addition to this overactive mind, I also have a worrying problem. I worry incessantly about almost everything. What if I sit down for lunch first and no-one else sits at my table? What if I drop my tray all over someone that I don't know? What if this guy with the pedo stache sitting next to me want to chop me into little pieces? That kind of thing. And the last thing that really contributes to this is my worst-case scenario mentality. They say people who have this mentality think that if they cover the worst thing that could possibly happen, then they're prepared for anything. Sort of the idea of not getting excited for things in case they don't happen, but in reverse. Yes, that weird scratching noise could be the dog wanting to go out but it could also be cold, clawed fingers scratching at the door, searching for the doorknob and OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

Things that make my mind monsters worse:
1) Being home alone
2) Darkness
3) Weird sounds
4) Having to take the dog outside when there is most probably a murderous clown lurking under the trampoline wanting to dismember me slowly and then bury me under a drift for my parents to find when the snow melts.

Things that are all true as of right now: The above.

SO yeah I am freaking out a little bit. Though it's better now. I was recording myself singing and playing piano, precisely because there is no-one home, and heard a weird sound and whipped around so fast I almost got windburn. The funniest part is that I caught it on tape so I can watch myself overreact as many times as I like. Wait, that's not funny.

When I was younger, I had a really, really hard time falling asleep at night. Embarrassing confession: I slept on my parent's floor a lot until I was around 10-11. (but bonus: I like sleeping on floors now) My mind would just come up with the creepiest, most random-ass things that would terrify me and I would lay awake and sweat until my sheets were wetter than if I'd actually wet the bed. I remember having an earnest conversation with my dad about how I could control my thoughts and I didn't have to do this to myself that it was up to me. 

Well, yes dad, I guess you were partially right. In the same way as hypothetically you can control an angry lion who hasn't had food in a few days with a chunk of raw steak. It can be done, but there's a good chance that the lion will find an even larger chunk of raw meat (you) and dig into that instead. Maybe that's a bad metaphor. I guess what I'm getting at is, almost everything has a reward and a punishment, and up and a down side. I wouldn't trade the good parts of an imagination for the world, but sometimes people don't see the downsides. In fact sometimes you yourself have a hard time recognizing them. It's like when you go to bed, and think of this terrifying thing and are petrified with fear half the night, and then you wake up in the morning and you're like pfffff yeah like that was even a little scary and then the same thing happens again that night? Or when you get sick and are in pain and you say you'll never take not feeling pain for granted again but then of course you do the next day? 

It's a cycle. There's ups and downs just like life, and all I'm really trying to do here is convince myself that I'm on a ferris wheel and I may be at the bottom now but I'm going up. 

Right?

Of course.

Now excuse me while I go and turn on all the lights and hide under the covers with the phone beside me in case of emergencies. 

Boy Problems/Guy Issues/Man Rants ~Jetta~

"I am not the kind of person people ask for their number. I'm the kind of person weird old people compliment in WalMart. "

When you read the above, please don't judge to harshly. Also, try to keep an open mind when I tell you I sent that to my crush. The quote really doesn't have much to do with what this post is about, but I just thought it had a nice ring to it and it was a sufficiently embarrassing thing to open with, so there it is.

The guy that I like will from here on in be called Farmer, obviously because it takes to long to spell the guy I like and crush sounds awkward and painful. 

I've been going to my current school for 2 years now, and in that short amount of time I have had a crush on Farmer on 3 separate occasions. This is embarrassing. Proceed to feel embarrassed for me. Alright, continuing. Last year, Farmer liked me for a while around springtime, allegedly. Here, allegedly means I heard it from a few people but not directly from him, but I am choosing to believe it. Anyways, I didn't like him at that time, instead I liked Wise Man, but that's another story for another time. I did however like Farmer later, as in after he stopped liking me but before the school year was over. 

I've always had a flair for being fashionably late. 

At the beginning of this year again I liked him, but unfortunately he had no interest in going there, (there here meaning beyond platonic affections) and eventually got a girlfriend, who, again obviously, was not me. I would also like to say that I did stop liking him before and during his period of attachment to said other girl, just because I feel like y'all should know that. 

And then they broke up, and then about 2 months after that, I began to like him again. Only this time, it appeared that there might be a hope. Faint. Very faint. Like a tea light lit a mile away at midnight during a blizzard. But still. Even if you can't see it you can imagine it. 

Jesus Girl asked Farmer if he liked me, and the story went through several revisions when she told it afterwards, but the first story went something like this:

Jesus Girl (JG): Do you like Elyse?
Farmer: maybe….
JG: C'mon do you?
Farmer: You can tell her I do. No wait, don't tell her anything. No, I don't. I actually don't like her.

Well, okay, confusing little man. You don't like me, I can deal, it's okay. That's what I was trying to convince myself, but it wasn't working for several reasons:
1) JG sometimes seems like she might even have a little thing for Farmer herself, though maybe it's just me overreacting.
2) I don't really trust JG all that much anyways
3) The story changed every time she told it, so who knows what really was said
4) Well he said to tell me that he liked me….granted afterwards he said he really didn't, but if he said it there's a slight possibility it might have been true. Right? Right?

But in the end, logic won out and I said fine, he doesn't like me. But if he doesn't like me he can at least have the decency to not act like it sometimes, aka cut the flirting. AJ was over and I told her that I wanted to talk to him about this, but I chickened out so she did it. And he said to her that he really just liked me as a friend. And of course I do trust AJ a lot more than Jesus Girl so I believed her and thought that was that.

BUT THEN (of course there's a but, we've barely gotten started it isn't even confusing yet) I was talking to Farmer on Facebook while AJ and Briar were there, and he basically said that he couldn't like me due to circumstances in his past with his ex, and then said that it really wasn't couldn't, just more bad timing, and then said he thought I got the hint, which I didn't so I asked him what the hint was, and he said it was that he did like me. 

So. There's that. FRAKKKKING CONFUSING RIGHT MAN.

This was also almost a month ago. Who knows what's changed since then? I don't. I don't have a clue. I feel so lost in all of this.

I did however talk to Farmer's ex recently, who seemed a little overly curious as to what there was between us (apparently everyone in school thinks there's a 'thing') and I was quite honest because she's honestly a lovely person. But she didn't seem to hate me or anything, in fact she said if something were to happen she wouldn't be mad. But I get the feeling she might be sad, which really makes me stop and think. Although we aren't friends and in fact hardly talk, she's such a nice and sweet person that it makes me feel horrible to think that anything happening between me and Farmer might be hurting her. So that's strike one against the possibility of something.

Strike two is in the form of Spy, who is a girl in our grade nicknamed here Spy because she has a gift of being able to talk to anyone, anywhere and about anything and also the knowledge of everyone's secrets.

She told me that I shouldn't date Farmer under any circumstances right now as I would end up getting hurt badly. She wouldn't say any more and she was very cryptic about it, but she's been on my case every since then if it appears as though Farmer and I might be flirting. Spy has a bad habit of lying sometimes, but I'm pretty sure about this she was serious, though mysterious. So that's strike 2.

Strike 3 is that this whole thing is just driving me crazy. He flirts with me during class but then says things like: I don't like anyone or there's no-one special for me. He'll compliment me and then not respond to a fb message for forever (first world problems and overreactions maybe I know). And I hate that these things bother me but they do. I really think my life would be so much less complicated without this whole big messy …mess.

I've decided that one thing I'm going to do is talk to Farmer's ex. Even though I don't know her that well I want to see if she knows what Spy won't tell me, and also if she really would be hurt if something were to happen. And then once that's done, I need to make a decision once and for all:

Either I'm going to confront him and talk to him and person and figure out how he feels and what's going to happen.

Or I'm going to make myself stop liking him and be just friends, however long that may take.

But I'm sick of this in-between thing.

Sorry for the monstrous long post at 12 at night, but it feels good to have this off my chest. Judge me how you will now, and if you made it this far kudos to you.

To end, I'd like to share with you something I remember writing about 2 years ago when I had a crush that I thought was bad. It was in a letter (obviously not sent) to him:

"If I were brave I could tell you how I feel and ask if you feel the same. If I was patient I could be content with waiting. But I am neither, so I am stuck in whatever hell this is, waiting and wondering and watching for a sign."

*side note I hope y'all don't think I'm really conceited for quoting myself twice in this post. I do not think I have better quotes than some people, I just happened to remember them and think they fit--ahh who am I kidding I actually just am too lazy to look up other ones