Boy Problems/Guy Issues/Man Rants ~Jetta~

"I am not the kind of person people ask for their number. I'm the kind of person weird old people compliment in WalMart. "

When you read the above, please don't judge to harshly. Also, try to keep an open mind when I tell you I sent that to my crush. The quote really doesn't have much to do with what this post is about, but I just thought it had a nice ring to it and it was a sufficiently embarrassing thing to open with, so there it is.

The guy that I like will from here on in be called Farmer, obviously because it takes to long to spell the guy I like and crush sounds awkward and painful. 

I've been going to my current school for 2 years now, and in that short amount of time I have had a crush on Farmer on 3 separate occasions. This is embarrassing. Proceed to feel embarrassed for me. Alright, continuing. Last year, Farmer liked me for a while around springtime, allegedly. Here, allegedly means I heard it from a few people but not directly from him, but I am choosing to believe it. Anyways, I didn't like him at that time, instead I liked Wise Man, but that's another story for another time. I did however like Farmer later, as in after he stopped liking me but before the school year was over. 

I've always had a flair for being fashionably late. 

At the beginning of this year again I liked him, but unfortunately he had no interest in going there, (there here meaning beyond platonic affections) and eventually got a girlfriend, who, again obviously, was not me. I would also like to say that I did stop liking him before and during his period of attachment to said other girl, just because I feel like y'all should know that. 

And then they broke up, and then about 2 months after that, I began to like him again. Only this time, it appeared that there might be a hope. Faint. Very faint. Like a tea light lit a mile away at midnight during a blizzard. But still. Even if you can't see it you can imagine it. 

Jesus Girl asked Farmer if he liked me, and the story went through several revisions when she told it afterwards, but the first story went something like this:

Jesus Girl (JG): Do you like Elyse?
Farmer: maybe….
JG: C'mon do you?
Farmer: You can tell her I do. No wait, don't tell her anything. No, I don't. I actually don't like her.

Well, okay, confusing little man. You don't like me, I can deal, it's okay. That's what I was trying to convince myself, but it wasn't working for several reasons:
1) JG sometimes seems like she might even have a little thing for Farmer herself, though maybe it's just me overreacting.
2) I don't really trust JG all that much anyways
3) The story changed every time she told it, so who knows what really was said
4) Well he said to tell me that he liked me….granted afterwards he said he really didn't, but if he said it there's a slight possibility it might have been true. Right? Right?

But in the end, logic won out and I said fine, he doesn't like me. But if he doesn't like me he can at least have the decency to not act like it sometimes, aka cut the flirting. AJ was over and I told her that I wanted to talk to him about this, but I chickened out so she did it. And he said to her that he really just liked me as a friend. And of course I do trust AJ a lot more than Jesus Girl so I believed her and thought that was that.

BUT THEN (of course there's a but, we've barely gotten started it isn't even confusing yet) I was talking to Farmer on Facebook while AJ and Briar were there, and he basically said that he couldn't like me due to circumstances in his past with his ex, and then said that it really wasn't couldn't, just more bad timing, and then said he thought I got the hint, which I didn't so I asked him what the hint was, and he said it was that he did like me. 

So. There's that. FRAKKKKING CONFUSING RIGHT MAN.

This was also almost a month ago. Who knows what's changed since then? I don't. I don't have a clue. I feel so lost in all of this.

I did however talk to Farmer's ex recently, who seemed a little overly curious as to what there was between us (apparently everyone in school thinks there's a 'thing') and I was quite honest because she's honestly a lovely person. But she didn't seem to hate me or anything, in fact she said if something were to happen she wouldn't be mad. But I get the feeling she might be sad, which really makes me stop and think. Although we aren't friends and in fact hardly talk, she's such a nice and sweet person that it makes me feel horrible to think that anything happening between me and Farmer might be hurting her. So that's strike one against the possibility of something.

Strike two is in the form of Spy, who is a girl in our grade nicknamed here Spy because she has a gift of being able to talk to anyone, anywhere and about anything and also the knowledge of everyone's secrets.

She told me that I shouldn't date Farmer under any circumstances right now as I would end up getting hurt badly. She wouldn't say any more and she was very cryptic about it, but she's been on my case every since then if it appears as though Farmer and I might be flirting. Spy has a bad habit of lying sometimes, but I'm pretty sure about this she was serious, though mysterious. So that's strike 2.

Strike 3 is that this whole thing is just driving me crazy. He flirts with me during class but then says things like: I don't like anyone or there's no-one special for me. He'll compliment me and then not respond to a fb message for forever (first world problems and overreactions maybe I know). And I hate that these things bother me but they do. I really think my life would be so much less complicated without this whole big messy …mess.

I've decided that one thing I'm going to do is talk to Farmer's ex. Even though I don't know her that well I want to see if she knows what Spy won't tell me, and also if she really would be hurt if something were to happen. And then once that's done, I need to make a decision once and for all:

Either I'm going to confront him and talk to him and person and figure out how he feels and what's going to happen.

Or I'm going to make myself stop liking him and be just friends, however long that may take.

But I'm sick of this in-between thing.

Sorry for the monstrous long post at 12 at night, but it feels good to have this off my chest. Judge me how you will now, and if you made it this far kudos to you.

To end, I'd like to share with you something I remember writing about 2 years ago when I had a crush that I thought was bad. It was in a letter (obviously not sent) to him:

"If I were brave I could tell you how I feel and ask if you feel the same. If I was patient I could be content with waiting. But I am neither, so I am stuck in whatever hell this is, waiting and wondering and watching for a sign."

*side note I hope y'all don't think I'm really conceited for quoting myself twice in this post. I do not think I have better quotes than some people, I just happened to remember them and think they fit--ahh who am I kidding I actually just am too lazy to look up other ones